THINGS THAT SUCKSATIRICAL INDEX // EST. 2026
DOC REF: TTS-2026-ARCHIVE FILED BY: DUKE INDEXED: 06 UNITS STATUS: ● COMPLETE

The Full Archive

ALL DISPATCHES
06 / 06 FILED

Every dispatch ever filed by Duke, indexed by class. This is the complete catalog of things that suck — bands, food, news, brands, people, and places — each one fully fictional and rigorously labeled. Jump to a category: Bands, Food, News, Brands, People, Places.

News
QR1

The Thing In Your Home That Could Kill You Is, Again, Everything

BY DUKEJUN 19, 2026

After a 40-year investigation, the local action-news team confirms the deadly household threat is all objects, the entire house, and possibly the air.

Read Dispatch
Bands
QR2

Nickelback Album Found Identical To A Truck Commercial

BY DUKEJUN 18, 2026

A peer-reviewed panel confirms the band's 14th record is acoustically indistinguishable from a 30-second pickup-truck ad.

Read Dispatch
Food
QR3

Candy Corn Marks 145th Year Of Being Bought By Nobody

BY DUKEJUN 17, 2026

35 million pounds produced annually. Zero verified buyers located. It materializes in cabinets like a seasonal mold.

Read Dispatch
Brands
QR4

Printer Now Demands Monthly Subscription To Remain A Printer

BY DUKEJUN 16, 2026

The device you bought outright will no longer print unless you enroll in a recurring ink plan billed monthly, forever.

Read Dispatch
People
QR5

Thought Leader Turns Funeral Into 7-Slide Sales Carousel

BY DUKEJUN 15, 2026

"Grief," the post explained, "is just like B2B sales." The carousel received 14,000 reactions and a newsletter sign-up.

Read Dispatch
Places
QR6

Tourist Pays $19 For Water To Be Screamed At In Times Square

BY DUKEJUN 14, 2026

He achieved the full Crossroads of the World experience: total paralysis, screaming from four directions, and a $19 water.

Read Dispatch
MORE

⚠ The List Is Never Finished

New things suck every single day, and Duke files them as they happen. Head back to the homepage for the latest dispatches, or subscribe to get fresh disappointments by email.

QRD